|The Best Show on WFMU|
|Episode number unknown|
|Air date||December 13, 2011|
|Best Show Episodes|
December 6, 2011
December 20, 2011
- "Is it in My Head?" - The Who
- "Paul is Dead" - Yo La Tengo
- "unknown" - Led Zeppelin
- "Sin's a Good Man's Brother" - Monster Magnet
- "Salaniaspiritus" - Astaroth
- "Dancing Days" + Unknown Led Zeppelin song - Led Zeppelin
On the tableEdit
- Earn Your Beard - Tom attempts to tell over the phone whether callers have earned their beard, and why they grew it. Also, classifications of celebrity beards.
- Call in and name things that are awfulsome: awesome by virtue of being awful.
Other topics coveredEdit
- The creeps at Amazon.
- Barton from Los Angeles tells an infuriating story of a co-worker's overzealous cleaning of the company refrigerator, resulting in the loss of a perfectly good and newly purchased salad.
- Gene Simmons gets body-switched with Richard Simmons gets body-switched up with Jean Simmons: The Freakiest Friday?
- Vance tries to help Dave from Lombard decide whether to convert his band to a Pink Floyd tribute band.
- Acting beards vs. Hollywood beards.
- Tom finally finished 11/22/1963 by Stephen King! What other time travel books should he read?
- Tom reads a letter from an unnamed major L.A. comedy podcaster.
- The dangers of walking in Brooklyn unbearded.
- An inquest into how a Damian Abraham impersonator got by AP Mike's call screening.
- Barton in Los Angeles
- Chris from Staten Island
- Dave in Austin, TX
- Dave from Lombard, IL
- Dave Rodriguez from Westchester
- Morris from Berkeley
- Dave from Brooklyn
- Gordon from North Dakota
- Luke from Washington DC
- Paydirt in Tasmania
- Harry from Millburn
- Lacy from Brooklyn
- George from Bergenfield
- Chris from Jersey City
- Christopher from Boston
- Ross from Edmonton
- Mark Remington / David Quinnfelder
- Dean from Cleveland
- Matt from Hollywood
- Ryan from Calgary
- Dean from Orange
- Neil from Dallas
- Jeremy from Austin
- Max from Brooklyn
- Scott in Georgia
- Evan from Saskatchewan
- Fake Damien Abraham
- Steve from Chicago
- Ryan from Saskatchewan
- Ian from Long Island
- ???? from Washingtonville
- Ryan from Calgary
- Jeremy in (unintelligible)
Tom receives a call from Mark Remington. music critic for the The Newbridge Herald-Times-Republican-Herald to compare their year-end lists of 2011's best albums. Remington's selections include albums by Fucked Up, Jay-Z, Wild Flag, and others, and do not particularly surprise Tom, except for David Quinnfelder, the one nominee Tom has never heard of. Tom is intrigued and Mark begins to fill him in on a bit of the backstory. In a story similar to those of Jeff Mangum, Kevin Shields, and Syd Barrett, Quinnfelder has been driven into hermitude atop Mount Newbridge after the overwhelming success of his lone album, Serpent and Donkey: The Relevance of Shapes. Remington laments the impossibility of reaching the recluse for an interview, positing that the first person who manages to get such an interview with Quinnfelder will be a legend in his own right.
The very next call happens to be David Quinnfelder himself, who says he had been scanning the radio and accidentally come across The Best Show. As Quinnfelder tells it, he went into seclusion when accused by music critics of not having a second album in him, pressure which ultimately drove him to throw the masters of his completed sophomore album into Lake Newbridge, and to move to a gated compound on Mount Newbridge called "Recluse Acres."
Nevertheless, he is excited to speak about Serpent and Donkey, which had come out the previous week on his vanity label, Quinnfeldersonic records, and to send Tom not just a promotional copy, but as many skids of the CDs as he would like.
Tom streams some of Quinnfelder's music from his Myspace page and is more than unimpressed, likening his music to the sound that would be made "if Eddie Money was the lead singer for Asia, covering late-period Dickies songs."
Tom then googles David Quinnfelder, finding that his career is a long, dark history of failure:
- A failed fudge sculptor, creating 12-foot half-dog/half-bong monstrosities.
- A failed filmmaker, creating Funny or Die videos so unfunny that it broke their meter, resulting in a lawsuit by Adam McKay and Will Ferrell.
- A failed webvelist, with one web novel, The Precision of a Pale Fire, starring Dracula and Franklin Roosevelt.
- A failed inventor of Face in a Can, an aerosol cosmetic mask responsible for the deaths of 712 people.
Quinnfelder additionally reveals a failed political career, a failed attempt to adapt the film Doctor Detroit into a musical, and a not-yet-failed plan to start a podcast, as soon as someone explains to him what one is.
At this point, Tom suggests that there may be a pattern in his life, that he consistently attempts grand works, and quits after a single failure. Tom's intuition tells him that the previous caller, Mark Remington, may have actually been Quinnfelder, hyping himself to Tom under an assumed name.
The call is interrupted by a siren, signaling that the Newbridge Mortgage Police have arrived at Recluse Acres to arrest Quinnfelder.
Quotes - Edit
"You can't be a 23-year old, and grow a beard, hide behind it. You didn't earn it yet. You gotta live the life, earn that beard, then you can sport it. You gotta take your lumps a little bit!...It's like a little kid, you might as well put razor shavings on your face from Daddy's Norelco. Put a little bit of glue on your face and smear some razor shavings on it. Walk around like you're a hobo going out for Halloween." -Tom introducing tonight's continuation of the "Earn Your Beard" challenge.
"I would think that if the topic was going to be a Pink Floyd cover band that you would maybe know the covers you played. Tom, I would respectfully ask you to move on to the next call, and I will go back to listening to my music." -Vance , requesting that Tom give Dave from Lombard the heave-ho.
"Chuck Norris? That's a stupidity beard. He doesn't know what that is on his face. No, it's not a stupidity beard. When did the beard show up for Chuck Norris? That's a right-wing beard, I'm gonna say. That's like a macho right wing beard on an older dude. No, it is a stupidity beard. It's a stupid guy thinking a beard lends him gravitas." -Tom, figuring out loud where Chuck Norris fits into beard taxonomy.
"Whoever does get an interview with this guy, they'll be a legend in their own right." -Mark Remington (later revealed to be David Quinfelder) from The Newbridge Herald-Times Republican Herald, on reclusive music legend David Quinnfelder
"I'm an artist. I create, I'm not on this planet to become a piece of product or a clog in the machine that is the record business. I'll be darned if I'm going to take it up the chute from these industry drones and bean counters." - David Quinnfelder
"There were a few cases of watery eyes, runny nose, chronic whooping belch, heart stoppage, acute full-blown organ shutdown, mild headache, sore throat, a little bit of diarrhea…." -David Quinnfelder on the unfortunate side effects of Face In a Can