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David Quinnfelder is a former sculptor, former filmmaker, former writer, former inventor, and current singer-songwriter based in Newbridge, New Jersey.  

People

Name

David Quinnfelder

Occupation

Sculptor, Musician, Singer-songwriter, writer, filmmaker, inventor

Resident of

Newbridge

First appearance

December 13, 2011

Most recent appearance

December 13, 2011

Known aliases

Mark Remington

CareerEdit

As an ArtistEdit

As an artist, Quinnfelder only managed to create one work, a 12-foot-tall clay sculpture of a bong/dog hybrid, entitled Half Animal, Part Party Machine, described once by an art critic as looking like "something that would come out of the back end of a sick dog." Quinnfelder was traumatized by the cold reception his inaugural show received, and to date has not sculpted again.

As an InventorEdit

Quinnfelder was the inventor of a product called Face in a Can, an aerosol cosmetic containing a flesh-colored epoxy designed to bond the likeness of Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, George Clooney, or Diane Sawyer upon one's own face. Though wildly popular at first, a number of side effects manifested themselves in users, including chronic whooping belch, and acute full-blown organ shutdown. Ultimately, Face  in a Can is known to have caused the deaths of at least 712 users, who held the can at the wrong angle, causing the epoxy to plug up their nasal passages. Though Kern Pharmaceuticals eventually bought the Face in a Can Patent, Quinnfelder at first forfeited all of his assets in the subsequent civil suit, and was sentenced to live on a barge for three years in the Sea of Newbridge. Quinnfelder was traumatized by the legal action, and to date has not produced another invention.

As a FilmmakerEdit

Quinnfelder next entered the world of Internet-based sketch comedy, writing, directing, producing, and starring in a satirical short entitled "Mike Huckabee's Pact With America." The sketch proved to be so quantifiably unfunny that it broke Funny or Die's Funny/Die Meter. Site founders Will Ferrell and Adam McKay brought their own civil suit against Quinnfelder for damage done to the reputation of Funny or Die. The presiding judge ruled that Quinnfelder was banned for life from viewing so much as a frame of video from any film project involving Ferrell or McKay. Years later, Quinnfelder would suffer an acute genital injury at the hands of a Best Buy security guard who caught Quinnfelder walking near a display television showing Talladega Nights. Quinnfelder was traumatized by the failure of the short, and to date has not directed another film.

As a WebvelistEdit

David Quinnfelder is also the author of a web-based novel entitled The Precision of a Pale Fire. A timehorrorthrill starring Franklin Roosevelt and Dracula. Critical reception was so hostile that Precision of a Pale Fire was thought to have been the formal end of webvels as a medium. Quinfelder was traumatized by the experience, and to date has not written another novel.

As a musicianEdit

Most recently, Quinnfelder launched a career as a singer-songwriter, writing and producing a single album entitled Serpent and Donkey: The Relevance of Shapes, and releasing it on his personal label, Quinnfeldersonic records on December 6, 2011. Newbridge Herald-Times-Republican-Herald critic Mark Remington described it as a mix of Kevin Shields, Syd Barrett, and Jeff Mangum, creating significant buzz around the album. However, in a radio interview with Tom Scharpling of WFMU, Quinnfelder was scandalized when he was revealed to be Mark Remington.

Current WhereaboutsEdit

Quinnfelder was last known to be living in a gated compound called Recluse Acres, atop Mount Newbridge. Having never earned any significant money in any of his failed careers, he was significantly behind on his mortgage payment. December 13, 2011, Quinnfelder's only known radio interview was interrupted by the arrival of the Newbridge foreclosure police.

Calls to the Best ShowEdit

December 13, 2011

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